I wanted to get one more blog in before February ended but….I was tired. I’m tired now, but I feel like its more mental exhaustion than physical. A few things have led me to this point of needing to put my thoughts down “on paper.” I don’t know that this post is necessarily related to my 31 list, but, the thought is to just become a better person in general so…I say its related. And its my blog so I can do that.
I am not good at patience. I’m not good at baby steps. I struggle HARD with this. When I get an idea in my head or I have a goal I want to achieve, I want it done NOW. I’m a firm believer in changing the things you can’t accept. For a long time, in my early 20s specifically, I felt like life just happened and I didn’t have a choice or control. You just deal with shit as it flies at you and hope for the best. Without getting into a ton of detail on my life story….I put an end to that way of thinking. I don’t know when exactly this happened or why or how. I don’t feel like I had some life changing revelation. It just happened. When I look back on the past 6 or 7 years, I’m still sort of blown away by everything. How did I get to this place? It felt so hard and so unobtainable and I’m here and I can’t even hardly remember the ride.
So, back to my point about patience and baby steps. Its really intimidating for me to set a goal that has no definitive end date or time or even end, in general. There are a few things on the list that I had to reword several times. I wanted so badly to put “lose 20 pounds by June” or “get CCS certified by May” etc etc. I tried not to do that. Instead I chose to put nonspecific goals that will get me to where I want to be- IN TIME. I’m trying to take the pressure off of myself. I have to constantly remind myself that progress is progress is progress.
With this in mind, I’m trying something new. Instead of forcing myself to do things because I feel like they NEED to be done, I’m going to start listening to my body and my soul and my feelings. For example- I enrolled at Louisiana Tech to finish my bachelors degree. Classes start next week. After staying on the admissions office’s back for months, I finally got my classes scheduled and everything was ready to go. Until I got the call from financial aid today to tell me that I submitted the wrong FAFSA. Apparently I had the FAFSA for the 2017-2018 year sent, when they needed 16-17. After nearly losing my temper, I thought to myself….this has to be happening for a reason. I’m not supposed to be starting this semester. Something else is coming my way. I’m not going to stress myself out, I’m going to let things happen the way they’re supposed to happen without forcing it. There is a peace and a calmness that comes with taking that moment to realize that no matter how hard you try, some things aren’t meant to go the way you want them to go. Which is also stressful for someone like me. Sigh.
Another example- I was all set to start this workout plan. I subscribed to daily burn and I was pumped and ready to go. I did day 1 yesterday and I actually really enjoyed it. This morning I woke up soooooo sore. Instead of forcing myself to do day 2 in pain, I decided to do some restorative yoga instead. I still did something productive for my health and I actually feel GOOD. What a concept!!! To listen to myself instead of fight myself!!
So I guess this should be goal #32. A goal to grow on, I guess? I’m not calling it patience, because I feel like that is such a loaded, scary, intimidating word. Lets call it….slowing down. Listening. Being more intuitive. Trusting myself and trusting time. That sounds a lot better.